Gotcha! Or did I? For those of you who couldn’t even be arsed to click on the link from last week’s musings, IT WAS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE YOU IDIOTS!
Did you really think I was jacking it all in for a life as a hairy-arsed lady brewer? Well, you’re not going to get rid of me that easily; besides, I was made to drink booze not slave over a fermentation chamber.
And, where would you get your weekly fix of sex, gossip and nastiness if I did actually call it a day?
Talking of which, with Easter looming large, I have some timely advice for all from everyone’s favourite extra-marital affair website, IllicitEncounters.com, which claims to have just had the busiest three months in its history following a large spurt of cheating triggered by the lifting of Covid restrictions.
Luckily, they haven’t been too busy to do the odd survey – and grab the resultant PR opportunity with both hands – with the results of the latest study revealing you can catch an adulterer by their taste in CHOCOLATE.
Now, for once we don’t mean a penchant for Mars Bars, à la Marianne Faithful. But there is still great news for Mars Inc as adulterers have voted Celebrations as the number one box of chocs for cheats, with a whopping 42% of those who like to play away choosing those mini-bar morsels over any other brand.
Second place goes to Cadbury Heroes, followed by Quality Street. Roses are least liked by love rats – making those who enjoy them the most faithful Brits. Aw bless ’em.
Dirty cheaters were also asked to vote on their favourite CHOCOLATE across all the brands and it turns out that those gagging for a bit on the side also like to nosh down on Celebrations’ Maltesers Teasers more than any other CHOCOLATE in the top ten.
Next up is Miniature Snickers, Cadbury Heroes’ Wispa and Quality Street’s Fudge. I guess a finger of fudge is just enough to give you a treat, after all.
Fifth place goes to Celebrations’ Galaxy and then Cadbury Heroes’ Crunchie, Roses’ Hazel Whirl, Quality Street’s Green Triangle and rather fittingly Quality Street’s The Purple One, with Roses’ Strawberry Dream coming up the rear (quite literally in some cases).
The thing is, IllicitEncounters has previously discovered that a significant number of female love rats shop in M&S for sexy lingerie to wear for their affair. So, guys, girls and “they” (we’re all inclusive here), if you spot your lady, fella or “they” shopping in Marks & Sparks for bras and Celebrations – they may already be planning to get down and dirty with someone else.
Luckily, IllicitEncounters sex and relationships expert Jessica Leoni is on hand for top advice. She said: “We all know someone who just can’t help but sneak those extra few bites of delicious chocolate when it’s handed to them on a plate – they simply cannot trust themselves! That self-indulgence and lack of willpower is a recipe for an affair. Seeking pleasure in chocolate is the same as seeking pleasure in extra-marital sex – both hedonistic in nature.”
Don’t say you haven’t been warned…
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