I have to confess I’m a little miffed this week. You see, in a former life – when I was just a naive young thing – I answered one of those small ads that appear from time to time in the local press: “Young, good-looking girls wanted for modelling assignments.”
Never being one to turn down the chance to show off my “charms”, I got straight on the blower. But instead of glamourous trips to London, Paris, New York, and Hong Kong, I was offered a different sort of, ahem, glamour, and a different sort of blower too.
Ah well, I thought, in for a penny, in for a pounding, and, although “Busty Does Bognor” didn’t have quite the production values I was hoping for, I had a decent ten minutes of fame…and the Busty Bonus was born.
The thing is, I had forgotten all about it until earlier this week when I read that the High Court had ordered O2 to hand over the names of more than 9,000 broadband customers who had illegally downloaded films made by Ben Dover Productions.
Little did I know that one of them was my trip to the seaside until some charmer in this industry recognised me and is now threatening to expose me for the naughty girl I am.
Luckily, I know I can trust the rest of you to keep a little secret. But as the movie proves, I am more than happy to take it on the chin. You know who you are, and, of course, I know who you are too. And I’m sure your second wife will be highly delighted when I tell her what you’ve been up to…
If that doesn’t work I plan to enlist the services of a Brazilian group, dubbed “the gang of blondes”. Apparently they have carried out up to 50 express kidnappings in Sao Paulo between 2011 and 2012 and now plan to set up in the UK.
According to police, the group target visibly affluent victims in the car parks of shopping centres and supermarkets, force them into their cars and relieve them of credit and bank cards. My blackmailer will provide some good practice, that’s for sure.
As they say, hell hath no fury like a woman porned…
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