Fifty Shades of Grey? Bah, 26 chapters and 514 pages of appallingly written drivel, turned into 125 minutes of nonsense, more like.
“His eyes widen, filled with wonder and lust. It’s a heady mix. I swallow instinctively. His hand moves down to my behind. He pulls me sharply against him. I can feel his erection.” Hardly Shakespeare is it?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love nothing more than a bit of S&M in the bedroom as long as I’m the S and the fella – or girl for that matter – is the M. I mean do you really think I’m going to let someone tie me up?
And is that really how us girls are supposed to be wooed on Valentine’s Day? Whatever happened to being showered with luxury gifts and red roses? Come on fellas, you know it makes sense…
Mind you, my suspicions have been raised by WPP Team News’ chief Chris Whitson, who went on Facebook to ask “what if you just actually need some duct tape?” His poor wife.
I was also rather concerned that my esteemed editor had been indulging in some seriously extreme action of his own this week after he spent the whole of Thursday moaning and groaning about how sore he was.
However, it transpired he’d spent Wednesday evening being put through his paces by Marc Nohr. Surely, I hear you ask, the former Kitcatt Nohr man hasn’t got his own Red Room of Pain, has he?
That, dear readers, I can’t answer sadly. But I can confirm that this particular encounter did not involve strap-ons, cock-rings, whips, chains or handcuffs.
Apparently McKelvey is taking his new found Jewishness so seriously that he’s enrolled at the London Krav Maga, where top instructor Marky Marc is teaching him the Jewish art of self-defence, a combination of boxing, Muay Thai, judo, jujitsu and wrestling devised by the Israeli Defence Forces.
Not that my boss seems to have come off too well from his first lesson. Between you and me, I reckon Marc is getting his own back for all that sensationalist stuff written about him over the years.
Personally, I think Marc’s a lovely fella and he’s also got a few bob which makes him even more attractive. In fact, a few hours on a grappling mat this Saturday sounds great. Fifty Shades for Valentine’s Day? Oh go on then…
You can also follow Busty on Twitter @BustyIdol
