Never being one to beat about the bush, dear readers, I am now a girl on a mission: I NEED A MAN. Ever since the summer when dear Tarquin Farquhar (Farquhar by name; Farquhar by nature) dumped me for not being classy enough, I have been a sad singleton.
Not that being single doesn’t have its advantages, obviously. For instance, I never have to worry about putting the loo seat down, or cleaning up that dribble of urine from the floor. And there’s never a pile of grotty old Y-fronts waiting for me when I return from a night out with the girls.
But a girl has needs you know. Anyway, seeing all those DMers come out of the woodwork after the sad passing of Prof Holder got me thinking that maybe I should do a bit of my own data analysis and targeted DM. Come on, Derek would have been proud I reckon…
So, I set about drawing up a DM Men’s Rich List, although as you can see below, I have not exactly been able to pinpoint my next fella; just uncover why most of this lot are still working…
Colin Lloyd – now he may be loaded but El Presidente is the wrong side of 60 for my liking; I’m no Anna Nicole Smith, you know.
David Payne – as Colin’s wing-man he must be worth a bit but he is already on wife and family number two, so he can’t have much spare cash.
Phil Andrews – he too has, in his own words, “traded up to a younger model”, so that would be pointless.
Steve Aldridge – hmmm, still unmarried (I think) but not being funny, I don’t really want to be fighting over the hair straighteners first thing in the morning, let alone waiting hours to get in the bathroom.
Lloyd James – even my Busty Bonus powers are unlikely to work on Lloyd…the force is too strong in him.
John Watson – he’s still churning out junk mail packs so he must have a very expensive second wife. Us sisters have to stick together, so another no-no.
Drayton Bird – he’s had more wives than Henry VIII and kids too; might explain why he is still working…
Stuart Archibald – a lovely man and sooooooooooo handsome…but according to sources close to the situation he’s still paying off that extension at Little Italy in Soho, as well as his flat overlooking Sydney Harbour. (Mind you, I do like water sports.)
Warren Moore – well, he must have a bob or two and with his old mate Simon Hall he’s setting up another venture (www.savvyfriends.com) so he could be a possibility. Shit, just remembered he’s nearly as vain as Aldridge so maybe not.
The Brothers Thain – they must still have some roubles stashed away in the bank, although could I handle them both? Probably. Would I want to? Er, probably not.
So, there you have it; a fat lot of good they are. Back to the drawing board for Busty. Now, where’s my copy of the Campaign A-List, there must be someone in there who’s worth a few quid…
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