Mid-July is approaching fast, so, dear Foxy fans, our holiday plans are taking shape – much like my increasingly large derriere. And with my esteemed editor being nothing if not predictable, he has reprised his master plan of summer 2020 for the Decision Marketing Bus Tour of Britain.
Not that it took a great deal of effort, but hey, that’s McKelvey for you. You see we were all set for the Great Escape two years ago when Boris Johnson (remember him?) forced the country into Lockdown 2.0. (Apart from at Downing Street, of course, where they were partying like it was 1999 – or 1709 in Jacob Rees-Smug’s case).
Now you may recall that back then we were basing our tour on having a rummage around the rudest towns in the UK, including a foray to Fanny, followed by a tour of the Devil’s Arse, through Bushygap, overnighters in Cockplay, Dirt Pot and Lucky Hole and then right up to Twatt in the Orkneys.
This year we are shaking it up a bit by overlaying data on the rudest towns with details on Britain’s raunchiest places to live and visit. (Can’t beat a bit of geodemographics can you?) Not only will this give us the perfect database to target new readers, it will enable us to curry favour with adult toy company Lovehoney, whose interactive map we are using.
It means that our first stop will be Andover in Hampshire, which has been crowned the UK’s randiest town due to huge swathes of the population snapping up sex toys over the past couple of years.
And, it seems, residents are so busy playing with themselves – and each other – that they are shunning its attractive high street and narrow walkways, that date back to Saxon times.
In fact, while most of the town’s buildings are from the 18th century when it was an important stop over destination for coaches on their way to London, Southampton and Oxford, its burghers are now far more interested in vibrators, strap-ons, butt-plugs, love eggs and anal toys.
Let’s just hope the Decision Marketing Holiday Bus makes it out of there without blowing our big end…
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