So, there we were all set for the Great Escape, a foray to Fanny, followed by a tour of the Devil’s Arse, through Bushygap, overnighters in Cockplay, Dirt Pot and Lucky Hole and then right up to Twatt in the Orkneys. Yep, the Decision Marketing Bus Tour of Britain was taking shape nicely until Lockdown 2.0.
So, it’s Sussex here come. Apparently West is far more upmarket than East, but the map doesn’t lie, they’re both full of smut.
After all, any county that boasts Titty Hill, Balls Green, Great Bottom, Great Butts, Juggs Close, Dicker, Hooe and Manhood Lane as top attractions has got to be worth a visit. And, by the time we’ve spent our huge wedge, hopefully the local economy will be booming, too.
Sadly the same can’t be sad for our old client, the Vagina Museum, which has apparently seen everything dry up. Tragically, the Vault of Vayjayjay is facing potential permanent closure if they can’t cover their costs.
As the blurb states: “In just 18 weeks, this little museum saw over 110,000 visitors, with an ovary-whelmingly positive reception. The world needs a Vagina Museum. We’ve proved that.” So there.
So, here’s the rub – instead of just begging for cash, the museum has launched an “extraVAGanza” of merchandise and in the Sisterhood’s hour of need, here’s a selection of what’s on offer…
For just £8, you can get one of 100 exclusive F-uterus stickers. “Designed by our curator, this exclusive sticker says F-U to the current crisis and us having to close!” For £12, you can grab one of 50 Fanny Fact Postcards. “Get a handwritten postcard of thanks from our curator, including a fanny-fact on periods, gynae myths and much more!”
For those who like a pinny, for £40 you can snatch one of 50 F-Uterus screen-printed aprons. “Exclusive apron for all your cooking, crafting and general looking great needs! With our new amazing F-Uterus design screen-printed onto a handy pocket.”
Or, how about a year’s membership at £50? “Join the Cliterati, our fanny-tastic membership programme, including discounts in our shop and events, regular communications, exclusive events and a shiny membership card.”
There is even the offer of a custom crochet clitoris or vulva – a snip at £150 a pop: “Handmade by our museum director in two custom colours of your choice.” Whack another 100 quid over and you can get it embroidered too.
So, dig deep Foxy fans, for once the sisters don’t want to be hard-up…