Busty gets stuffed in January

Have you had enough of January yet? To be honest, things are not looking too rosy in the Idol household; the overdraft has grown (it’s nearly as large as my post-Christmas arse); the credit card bill has arrived (I’m going to be paying the price for that trip to Agent Provocateur for bloody months); the high protein diet is shot (even I can only stuff so much meat down my throat); and plans to give up drinking have already gone out of the window (well, it was my esteemed editor’s birthday on Monday).
Still, I’ve never been one to be down for too long (unless I’m sorting out my Lida man, that is) so I thought I’d try to get my diet back on track by tuning in to Food Unwrapped on Channel 4. Next thing I know and there’s Chris Arnold – the man who’s never been one to “leave the ego at the door” – sitting in a Croydon chip shop spouting advice on, er, marketing low-fat food.
To be honest, the last time I saw Chris, he was giving the Hairy Bikers a run for their money on the weight front but now, it seems, he’s rather svelte. The ego’s still there, of course, but the bulk has gone. Bastard.
Not that I’ll be following his diet advice – his only tip was to cut a hole in the middle of a big fat burger and then you can call it low-fat. Bah.
One bloke who could do with some dietary tips, however, is the lovely Phil Keevill. Apparently, he’s been starving himself for more than two weeks now and hasn’t lost an ounce. In fact, he’s discovered he’s got gout. (Must be all those big lunches he had with Simon Kershaw when they were living up at Craik Jones, I reckon).
Ah well, I thought, maybe if I could find myself a nice rich husband (don’t worry Mr Lida, he won’t be my husband) he could settle my debts and send me to a health farm to slim down and dry out, in return for some extra-marital fun – well, if it’s OK for Francois Hollande, it’s OK for Busty right?
And luckily advice was at hand in a new survey which revealed who I should be avoiding in my search. You see, apparently those named David, Andrew, Daniel, Paul and John make the best husbands. Now while that may be great news for those actually looking for a husband, it’s even better for me as I certainly don’t want to waste my time targeting them do I? So, Mark, Rob and Pete, are you up for some fun? I might even take all three…

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