DM kings and queens kiss the ring

Well, what can I say, apparently that email from Li Park was just a hoax and it transpires that $44,500.000.00 he was offering to share with me was actually coming out of my bank account. So, my grand plan to give up this column has turned to shit – even worse, I now owe the bank a huge sum of money for going $44,500.000.00 overdrawn, albeit for only a nanosecond until they realised it was my account.
Luckily I’ve got the frenzy around William and Kate’s nuptials to cheer me up and I hear this joy has even reached the grizzled veterans of DM land, which according to a leaked email invite are holding their very own Royal Wedding street party.
Obviously I’m sworn to secrecy about the location, but suffice to say it’s being held in the DM cul-de-sac – you know the one, once you’re in it, it’s virtually impossible to find a way out and get a proper job.
Anyway, according to the email, the great and the good of the industry have all pledged to bring something along to make the party go with a bang, so to speak, and there’s a pretty good chance you might find them there, watery eyed and in varying degrees of inebriation.
But don’t just take my word for it, the email includes a complete breakdown, along with house number, although it appears there have been quite a few drop-outs…
1) Colin Lloyd – pledged a case of Bolly, although you will have to enter a prize draw to get your grubby mitts on any (old habits die hard for the king of SP; let’s hope there’s an opt-out box)
2) Phil Andrews – bringing the wife, kids and the BBQ. Apparently he’s “traded up” but we’re not sure if he means the barbeque or the wife
3) Lloyd James – promised to bring bunting and fairy cake, although he hasn’t confirmed whether these are just nicknames for his friends or the real thing
4) Marc Nohr – not too sure if he can make it as he might be helping the security services (he is a Krag Maga instructor you know)
5) John Townshend – sends his apologies but as part of the landed gentry (surely you’ve heard of Turnip Townshend?) he is attending the real event in Westminster Abbey
6) Chris Whitson – he wears a kilt, and with not one single Scotsman celebrating the Royal Wedding, it looks pretty unlikely he’ll be joining us. He’ll definitely be on Twitter though
7) Mark Roy – generous as ever, he says we can use his back-garden for 18 holes of golf and promises not to humiliate the poor sod who comes last (a likely story)
8 Marc Michaels – used to be very popular, especially with agency types, but has been disinvited due to lack of marketing budget
9) Judith Donovan – enough beer and cigars for everyone, including the kids, and has promised not to blather on about Royal Mail for the whole day
10) Mike Cavers – although he’s Scottish, he’s also lonely on account of his missus living in France, so he’s coming along and has said he can get as many McDonald’s Happy Meals toys as we want. Any takers?
11) Justin Basini – a bit like Marc Michaels (see above) used to be popular when he had a decent-sized marketing budget but now he’s turned against us…forget it
12) Derek Holder – never one to turn down a free lunch, he’ll be there very early
13) James Kelly – seems to have left the area
14) Steve Harrison – due to the lack of running water and a basin, and concerns over food hygiene he will not be attending
15) Steve Aldridge – sadly another no show, says he wishes everyone well but is having his hair done…all day.

So, there you have it. Sounds about as much fun as a DMA Summer Lunch, and nearly as classy. Have a good one…

(Got anything you’re dying to get off your chest? Email me, discretion guaranteed! ivan.idol@hotmail.co.uk)

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1 Comment on "DM kings and queens kiss the ring"

  1. How very dare you dear, me dear, no dear I will not be attending the street party, far too lacking in class for the likes of me and Bunting and by the way Fairy Cakes has been in hospital since the last DMA fiasco had her legs up high on traction due to slipping on a lemon wedge accidently thrown in front of her by that party stealer Rosemary Smith (Bitch!) We have an official invite to the bashette actualamont and will be in the actual premises where the festivities are taking place allbeit in a domestic role but at least we get to see their nibs doing the Hokey Cokey but hey that’s what it’s all about…….

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