And so to Brighton, where we came, we saw, we conquered – multiple times. In fact, we have loved it so much, Roxy and I have decided to stay…forever. Not that we will forget our Northern roots, you understand, but the South Coast really does offer everything a girl could desire.
Roxy has even called off her wedding after falling head over heels in love with the gorgeous, witty, brainy and übersexy Jonathan Spooner. To be honest, I’m green with envy that she got in there first.
Ah well, there is a smorgasbord down here – polysexuals, pansexuals, bisexuals, demisexuals, gynosexuals, allosexuals, androsexuals and even the occasional hetrosexual – so there’s got to be someone for little ‘ol me…eventually. In meantime, of course, I have been busy exploring my own sexuality to find my perfect match. It’s tough work, but someone’s got to do it.
And, when we have finished partying, we even get to sleep in my esteemed editor’s house, which, although not actually in the centre of Brighton, is not a million miles away from Spooner’s “Lord McKelvey” claims.
You see, it has more bedrooms than you can shake a stick at, an amazing garden (he must have someone to tend to that as he spends most of the day at The Bridge Inn), a massive TV, a huge bathroom, walk-in wardrobes, electricity, and running water and everything. What more could a girl want?
Roxy is actually holed up in his youngest son’s bedroom – no, she’s not that greedy, he’s shagging his way round Oz – while I am in McKelvey’s “office”.
I use the term loosely as there is scant evidence of any work being done, unless he – like the indefatigable Phil Keevill – counts strumming away at numerous guitars as being gainfully employed. Some of the guitars are even in tune.
And, there is more; Roxy and I have also got ourselves new jobs, too. It’s all a bit secret squirrel at the moment, but, according to McKelvey and his new business partner at least, we could all soon “be in the money” as they put the finishing touches to their masterplan for global domination.
With our talents on tap, what could possibly go wrong?