So, I have finally got my golden ticket to the biggest event of the year and I am pleased to say the official invite promises “music, free drink, dancing, and of course fannies galore”. What’s this I hear you ask, has the DMA finally lost the plot?
Well, to be honest, that happened ages ago when they started charging £400 a ticket and that’s probably yet another reason why I am once again NFI’d. No, dear readers, this particular golden ticket is for tomorrow’s official opening of the Vagina Museum, of course.
As you will probably have seen, the first exhibition – Muff Busters: Vagina Myths and How To Fight Them – has had plenty of coverage in the national media. None more so than the revelation that in the Fifties, women used to shake a bottle of Coke, then open it and insert it into their woo-woo in the hope that it could prevent pregnancy. Mind you, it has certainly put a new twist on the old strapline, “Good to the Last Drop”.
But regular readers will know, Roxy and I have been hard at it behind the scenes for months, putting the finishing touches to the exhibits and helping self-styled “vagitarian” Florence Schechter get everything in trim.
Not that we like to talk about it too much as Fatty and Fatter (yep, you guessed it, the diets have already been ditched) come over all jealous (poor old “all jealous”).
Anyway, never ones to be outdone, they have only gone and secured some work from the Icelandic Phallological Museum, which is wanting to up its game now that the Vault of Vayjayjay is stealing all the limelight.
Mind you, they could have their work cut out. I mean, it might well boast a collection of more than 215 penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland but as us girls all know, once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.
Still, they could do worse than bag their own tickets to the DMA Awards, I hear there always loads of cocks there who might be able to help with their focus groups…