You know sometimes, just sometimes, this job does have its benefits. OK, my bosses can be lazy, indolent and fat – often all three – but that can have its advantages because most of the time they simply can’t be arsed to even read this column, let alone force me to tone it down.
Not that my recent attempts to bag some decent freebies have borne fruit…yet. Are you listening Lelo, sex toy maker to the stars? How about you, Peaches & Screams, leading online adult sex shop? Just how gushing have I got to be to get my hands on something new to make Masturbation Month go with a bang?
Still, talking of freebies, all is not lost as just this morning we received a letter – yes, one of those things that comes through the post and everything – with an invite down to Soho Farmhouse in Chipping Norton for a VIP lunch with two industry “heavyweights”.
I say “we” in the royal sense, as it was actually addressed to my esteemed editor but as he can’t be bothered to open his own mail, “we” became “me”.
The thing is, I’ve only been to the Farmhouse once since Busty’s infamous incident when she saved the day for the dashingly handsome hairy-arsed-printer-turned-data-guru Drop Shadow Dickie. But this being National Decency Day – I know, slap bang in the middle of Masturbation Month, too – I’m prevented from revealing how my last trip went.
Anyway, I thought I’d better contact the hosts (whose identity I’m keeping under wraps until they sign a massive advertising deal with us) to inform them that, first, I’d be coming instead of McKelvey and, second, I would need to stay over; after all, it’s a 300-mile round trip you know.
Within minutes they’d sent me back my booking for one of the Farmhouse’s Garden Rooms, which, according to the blurb, “surround the Walled Garden, complete with living area, a wood-burning stove, a terrace and roll-top bath in the centre of the room”.
Rub-a-dub-dub, three in a tub? Well, that could be the best freebie of the lot…