Well, it was set to be a long old week at the Decision Marketing Nerve Centre we all call home, until Desperate Dan – the Southern Softie who’s hard in all the right places – brightened things up when we all got the good news that lockdown laws have now been relaxed and we can enter a bubble of love.
Not that it started out too well, to be honest, as Danny boy is now rivalling my esteemed bosses McFatty and McFattier with his expanding waistline.
After all, if I’d wanted a fat bastard I would have gone back up North where everything is super-sized – and I don’t just mean the portions.
No dear Foxy fans, it seems that young Desperado has been munching on anything he can get his soft hands on over the past 12 weeks, instead of sampling the delights of this Fat Bottom Girl and Dirt Lover.
But, as luck would have it, the easing of lockdown was perfectly timed to start on National Sex Day; not that we need a special day to get it on, you understand, but it certainly helps.
For instance, a study by GolfSupport.com (yep, really), came in very handy by providing the lowdown on which positions result in the best workout.
So, sisters, if you too find that your fella is carrying a lot more extra bulk, it is the butter churner (211 calories) that will help the most, followed by standing up (198 calories), doggy style (182), kneeling wheelbarrow (167), lotus (148), the eagle (145), legs up (127), spooning (101), 69 position (78), the squat (50), cowgirl (48) and reverse cowgirl (48), with missionary slowly coming up the rear on a rather pathetic 40.
Mind you, if you go for the lot that’s a pretty impressive 1,543 calories. And, after all that, he will no doubt be more than ready to sample Foxy Over A Barrel…which, as regular readers will know, is assertive, zesty and bold, and big with ample body and a great finish.