Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat, and so, dear readers are the entire Decision Marketing team, which means McFatty and McFatter have now been joined by Roly-poly Roxy, Ponderous Peggy, Mega Meggy and yours truly, Chockablock Foxy.
Not that I’m letting my fella Desperate Dan – the Southern Softie who’s hard in all the right places – bulk up. We’re all allowed to put on a winter covering but he’s not because I don’t like fat lads, so I’ve put him a vegan diet.
Come on, if it’s good enough for Joaquin Phoenix, it’s good enough for him and, hopefully, like “Joaqy” in Walk the Line, Dan will be able to learn how bash out a few Johnny Cash numbers just in time for the Decision Marketing Office Party. (Ring of Fire anyone?)
There is method in my madness, of course, as, according to our friends over at dating website IllicitEncounters.com, vegans have twice as much sex as meat-eaters and are more willing to experiment in the bedroom.
A survey for the site, which loves nothing more than marrieds with the urge, also suggested that vegans have a better time in the bedroom, with 84% saying they are satisfied with their sex life compared with 59% of those following a meat-based diet.
Meanwhile, three-fifths of vegans describe themselves as “givers”, compared to just a third of meat-lovers, going “down, down, down” hey Mr Cash?
Further research has even found that after a meat-free meal, men’s sexual arousal lasts three to four times longer through the night.
IllicitEncounters sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni is right on cue once more: “Vegans are masters of seduction it would appear. Our statistics don’t lie and vegans eat foods known for their aphrodisiac qualities such as ginseng and aniseed. But I’ve never heard of a rack of barbecue ribs or a lamb shank turn anyone on.”
To be fair, nor have I, but if they could send some over, there’s a whole team of ravenous workers here who are more than willing to find out…