Have DMA members got talent?

Did I ever mention the fact that I believe the DMA is one of the finest trade bodies in the world, that the people there are all really professional, great at their jobs and do sterling work for everyone in the industry? No? Shite.
Many of you may be wondering why this column has suddenly turned into a glowing endorsement for the DMA; let me put you out of your misery with the three words: DMA Summer Lunch (actually it’s two words and an acronym for you pedants).
That’s right folks, it’s that time of year again when, in the fine words of the DMA’s events team, you can “mingle with the movers and shakers of our industry and entertain your clients at the networking event of the year. Join us at the breathtaking Kensington Roof Gardens and you’ll also be treated to a champagne reception in the exotic gardens and a fine three-course lunch”.
Of course, there is one small snag – it costs £85 + VAT for members; £97.50 + VAT for non-members – and if you think I’ve got that sort of cash swilling around in my pocket, think again…I’m bleedin’ skint on account of the fact that I work here. Still, I’m hoping this little plug will secure me a free place. (It’s OK, I’m not proud, I don’t even mind sitting with the losers at the back).
The special guest this year is “Mr Weetabix” head himself, Andrew Neil, the former editor of The Economist, The Sunday Times and chairman of Sky. He has never worked on a DM trade rag though, so what the hell does he know?
Luckily I hear that the DMA has been hatching plans for additional entertainment at the event. Even luckier, I’ve managed to get hold of leaked copy of the line-up, which is as follows:
 DM Spice Girls Rosemary Smith, Jenny Moseley, Caroline Roberts and Judith Donovan will be performing “Do You Wanna Be My Lover”, although it is not yet known who will be wearing the Union Jack outfit
 Lloyd James, Bunting and Fairy Cake will be performing the “naked balloon dance”, just hope the balloons are big enough.
 Derek Holder will be making a plateau of bacon sandwiches disappear before your very eyes
 Colin Lloyd will be performing as Harry Enfield’s “Loadsamoney”
 Richard Gibson will be making a model of the Taj Mahal out of all the business cards he has collected
 Ian Haworth will be challenging anyone in the audience who thinks they’re hard enough to have a pop
 Adrian Brady will be running around trying to keep all his PR clients happy at once but hoping they don’t notice that they are all rivals
 James ‘personality’ Kelly will be wrapping up the event, even though he no longer works in the industry, by doing his incredible disappearing act – again – no doubt to rapturous applause.
You see, I told you it was an event not to be missed; Thursday July 7th get it in the diary. You never know, I might even see you there.