And so to Merseyside for the biggest date in the racing calendar…that’s right fans, I’ve got time off for good behaviour from my esteemed editor and am planning to add a touch of Busty glamour to this year’s Ladies’ Day at Aintree.
In fact, I’m penning this week’s column from the Easy Hotel in Liverpool city centre and I have to say I’m attracting plenty of attention. Thing is, it’s not actually completed yet – not that you’d notice to be honest, they’re not exactly known for their luxury – but the builders have been very accommodating. One hunk has already offered me a full English, complete with a large sausage, and who am I to refuse?
Now according to the official blurb, “Ladies’ Day brings a touch of elegance to The Crabbie’s Grand National Festival, providing an opportunity for racegoers to compete in the style stakes alongside top class racing action on the world famous Aintree Racecourse stage”.
Well, that may be so, but if last year was anything to go by, Orangina would be a far more fitting sponsor as the spray tan shops of Merseyside do a roaring trade.
I’m not too sure when the horse-racing starts, but there are plenty of cheeky scousers studying my form. According to one wag, the bigger the arse, the greater chance of success. Cheeky bugger.
The thing is, Aintree is only the first port in a whistle-stop orange tour. Next week, I’m off to William of Orange’s favourite city, Amsterdam, for the Mint Global event. You didn’t really think they were going to let McKelvey loose did you?
Mind you, I’ve had to take one up the Ostadestraat to secure my place…nothing too rude, you understand, that’s where Easy Hotel Amsterdam is of course. Luckily, I’m well used to being locked up in a room with no windows.
Next time, however, I think I’ll book into one of the local prisons – they have their own kitchens where anyone can cook for themselves if they don’t like the menu. Prisoners are given jam, rolls, coffee, tea and juices for breakfast. A dinner consists of three hot dishes, salads and fruits. In some prisons it’s even permitted to order dishes from restaurants.
Thankfully my hard labour in the Easy Hotel will be eased by the Mint event, which just so happens to be being held at the Heineken Brewery (elevensies anyone?). This will be followed by a trip down the canal and a slap up meal, with each course being served in a different restaurant. Apparently there will be conference somewhere, too. Ah well, you can’t win ’em all…
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