Swing low, sweat chariot my arse…who likes rugby anyway? Yep, you guessed it, I was only a temporary fan but it was good while it lasted. Mind you, it could’ve been so different if Eddie Jones had actually read my advice – after all, I had already fingered Faf de Klerk and Handre Pollard…
Luckily, I had managed to down at least 10 pints before half-time – I am no Southern softie, you know – so by the time the final whistle blew in Yokohama I was already cheering anything in shorts.
And now that the festive ads are all over the TV, I can at least take my mind off the disappointment. Not that I am relying on anyone else to lavish me with presents this year as, dear readers, I am now officially “self-partnered”.
That’s right, I have simply had enough of trawling the Internet looking for a decent fella. Let’s face it, Pilotsdating.org turned out to be a plane crash and Chocolate Lovers Passions was as limp as a lettuce.
Now, of course, I could try Trucker Passions, Teachers Passions, Medical Passions, Legal Passions, Military Passions, Beer Passions and Wine Passions but what would be the point when I already have one of the best partners in the world right here…me.
And, guess what, as if by coincidence next Tuesday is “Singles Day”, where us singletons get to “self-gift”. And we’re not talking small treats either, apparently Singles Day is four times larger than Black Friday and Cyber Monday combined, with last year’s event making $24bn (£18.6bn) in just 24 hours. Perhaps unsurprisingly, food, beauty and drink brands are the top sellers.
And the even better news? When you’re self-partnered you don’t have to bother with Slimmers World, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, LighterLife, Nutrisystem, Medifast – or even the “The Busty Diet, in association with, yes, you guessed it, Pornhub” – as it doesn’t matter if you are fat, fatty or fatter.
What could be better than me, myself and I?
To leave a comment please register – it takes less than a minute and is free of charge. You will also get our weekly email update The DM Report (to opt out contact email@example.com). If you are an existing user, please log in. If you have forgotten your log-in details please email firstname.lastname@example.org to get them reset!