With Masturbation Month reaching its 744-hour climax on Sunday (eat your heart out Sting and Trudie), I must admit I’ve been feeling a little deflated this week, especially since the introduction of the 50 quid fine if you are caught having sex in someone else’s house.
I mean, DIY is all very well, but it’s so much better if you can get a professional trade in to do the job properly for you. And I am sure you will believe me when I say my man Desperate Dan – the Southern Softie who’s hard in all the right places – is great with a tool in his hands.
Anyway, I was wondering how on Earth I was going to survive the week until I happened upon a local firm offering me a slab of something that was “endowed with great meltability, and a sublimely creamy taste”…
Enter the Sussex Charmer. No, dear Foxy fans, it’s not a rerun of the 1980s British TV show starring Nigel Havers as seducing conman Ralph Ernest Gorse – although that is possibly the only series that they’ve not dragged out of the archives.
Why, it’s the local award-winning cheese, crafted exclusively with milk from grass-fed, welfare assured cows in Rudgwick, West Sussex, of course.
And just in time for National Cheese Day, too, which according to our friends over at Gousto (you’ve had the plug, now send us some grub) has seen Brits across the land heading online to hunt down their favourite variants.
Bizarrely, Red Leicester has taken the top spot, with 164% more searches during lockdown, followed by goats’ cheese, with a 158% jump. Cheddar increased by 97%, with the French favourites of Camembert (80%) and Brie (72%) coming up the rear.
But here at the Decision Marketing Nerve Centre we are more turophile than “Red Leicester-phile” and crave nothing more than to chow down on the rather more tasty brands of Dragon’s Breath Blue, Drunken Hooligan, Stinking Bishop and Barely Buzzed. Mind you, Desperate Dan is a big fan of Fat Bottom Girl and Dirt Lover; but that’s a different story…