The lockdown love bubble meets the law of percentages

foxy 414So, one week in and our bubble of love is still going strong, and so is my man, Desperate Dan – the Southern Softie who’s hard in all the right places – who is shedding the pounds faster than a celebrity in lockdown. In fact, I would say he’s lost about 20% of his body fat already.

Mind you, so far we haven’t been tempted to sign up to the new Pornhub Premium Lovers subscription, which at “just” £15 a month is designed to help couples better explore and understand their partners’ sexual interests and fantasies.

Apparently, according to a recent survey of “several thousand” Pornhub Premium members, 64% of respondents said that they would like to have a better understanding of their partner’s porn preferences. What’s more, 68% of users believe having a better understanding of each other’s sexual fantasies would have a positive impact on their relationship. Mind you, as this is from a Pornhub press release, it is probably 100% made up. Ho hum.

Some bloke from Pornhub said: “Interestingly, studies show that partners who watch porn together have a more satisfying sex life than those who do separately – or in secret. If you and your partner have never taken the time to watch porn together, there’s really no better time than the present.

“We decided to introduce our Premium Lovers membership in order to provide couples with a resource that can not only help spice up their relationships in quarantine, but also to help each partner learn even more about their lover on a sexual level. Couples who play together, stay together.” (In other words, sign up and we’ll get 80% more income from you both.)

Still, our workouts were all going swimmingly when Danny boy got a little over excited and managed to knock the TV over, smashing the screen into smithereens.

And, it seems, he is not alone. According to home appliances insurance cover provider Prominence Support (yep, I’d never heard of them either) there has been a 718% increase in insurance claims for nearly all household “appliances” during lockdown as the kids drive everyone mad (well, I made that bit up but, surely, that has got to be 300% true).

Luckily, I keep most of my personal appliances under lock and key, after all, DIY is all well and good but getting someone else to do the job is 1,000% better…

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