Vote for change. Vote for Busty

What a night. I’ve been hard at it since the wee small hours and I’m absolutely shattered. I took a huge beating in Twat and I’m still fearing a late spurt from behind in Shitterton. Apparently there’s been an election on too and David Miliband has been having a similarly torrid time.
Not that I’m that interested in politics to be honest. I mean, none of them are exactly shaggable are they? As everyone knows, posh boys are shit in bed, so David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg are no hopers round my parts. Even self-styled man of the people Nigel Farage, famous for his love of a fag and a pint, is bound to be crap in the sack. Brewers droop anyone?
Anyway, like many of you, I’ve become very disgruntled with all politicians. But instead of sitting back while they ruin our country, I’ve decided to do something about it and I intend to take on the challenge of running this dis-United Kingdom myself. This afternoon I plan to register Busty Britain as the next political party.
And I think you will find my manifesto is a sure-fire winner which will bring this country back to its rightful place as a global superpower, rather than the small island with little influence in prospect after last night’s election.
Of course, I have only had limited time to thrash out the key tenets of my policies on the back of a Rizla packet, but the main ones are as follows:
Pledge 1: All alcohol will be free at weekends, and anyone who has to work on these days will get their free entitlement on their days off. This should get the Jocks and the Taffies on board straight away, in one fell swoop uniting the nation.
Pledge 2: All women will get free sexy undies. Another sure-fire winner to bring both genders on board.
Pledge 3: All traffic wardens will be fired immediately we come to power. OK, we might have a bit of traffic chaos but, hey, everyone will be so pissed they won’t notice.
Pledge 4: All bankers will be flogged if they step out of line. I admit, our financial services industry won’t like it, but they will certainly be more careful when it comes to handling the wages of hard working families.
Pledge 5: Broadband services will be free. Come on girls and boys, do you really think you should pay a monthly fee to a telecoms provider just to do your online shopping and visit your favourite porn sites?
Pledge 6: Any foreign companies wanting to set up an HQ in the UK will have to employ at least 50% of British people, but they can’t expect us to turn up for work.
There you have it. There will obviously have to be a few people who lose out financially, but they’ll be loaded anyway. Also we’ll probably have to limit immigration a little bit, but not too much. After all, who the hell is going to do all those messy jobs us Brits don’t want to.
My message to Britain. Vote for change. Vote for Busty.

You can also follow Busty on Twitter @BustyIdol