Phew, what a scorcher! While the world and his wife, husband, civil partner, lover, friend with benefit, and office affair, along with singletons and the “self-partnered” (I think we’ve covered all bases now) storm the beaches, I’ve been stuck in the Decision Marketing Nerve Centre roasting alive.
It’s bad enough that I have to put up with McFatty and McFattier wandering around with their not inconsiderable lockdown love-handles on display, but this weather is playing havoc with my strawberry blonde locks and delicate, diaphanous complexion.
In fact, I’ve even had to temporarily suspend my bubble of love with Desperate Dan – the Southern Softie who’s hard in all the right places – because it’s even too hot for that.
Still, there’s at least some promising news on the financial front after I got an email from someone called Faree from Gflashy.com, which claims to be the world’s largest online adult shop flogging everything from lingerie and vibrating butt plugs to realistic sex dolls and corn-on-the-cob style dildos (don’t ask).
To be fair, I’ve had a good look round the site (well, you would wouldn’t you?) and I am not too sure whether it is quite as large as it claims.
Even so, young Faree wants to sponsor my weekly musings (honestly, I’m not actually making this up), which just goes to show, this column might have little to do with marketing but at least we know our audience.
The same, it seems, can’t quite be said of the self-proclaimed advertising industry bible, which has been forced to extend the deadline of its “virtual Campaign Sprintathon” yet again.
What, we hear you ask, are you telling me that it couldn’t attract a measly 250 readers to secure the Guinness World Records’ title of “Largest online video chain passing a water bottle”.
Well, Foxy fans, in what is a world exclusive (who else would write this shit?) we can reveal that they weren’t the only ones to have the idea. You see, unbeknown to our friends over in Twickenham, Jordan-based professional dance instructor Rebecca Odeh decided to organise her own attempt during lockdown to spread awareness about the importance of working out and staying hydrated.
And, guess what, she now holds the world record for an online video chain passing a water bottle at 464 people.
All of which means that Campaign now needs at least 465 people in its video chain to break the world record again. Now surely, you’d think a magazine which boasts 910,000 monthly unique users would have no problem at all? Unless, of course, just like Gflashy.com, it has been over-exaggerating its girth?