Was it really only a week ago that I was basking in the afterglow of my trip of a lifetime with the dashingly handsome global superstar that is Nile Rodgers? (It’s OK, Spooner you’re still our own very gorgeous, witty, brainy and übersexy proprietor of Spoon Creative Ltd, just get on with that column will ya?).
Anyway, talking of short memories, I feel I’d better remind some of you (well, all of you in fact) that, THE THIRD WEEK OF OCTOBER IS MY BIRTHDAY WEEK, SO WHERE ARE MY PRESENTS?
You see, it’s tradition for me to head back to the Metropolitan Borough of Bolton at this time of year for my annual pilgrimage to the Land of Lard, although some of you don’t even remember I’m a Northern girl (yes, you Matt).
Anyway, back “oop North” it’s essential that I slip in a few “ey up cockers”, “bloomin’ hecks” and “ah’reet cha’s”, just in case they start “mytherin” that I’ve poshed up.
Naturally, I have to drop in to see my old Nan for a Chippy Tea, and she always gives me a few fatty treats to take back down to “that South Coast”. Then it’s off to gorge on the delights of the award-winning Cheese Stall at the Bolton & Bury Market, dive into Thornton’s on Market Street and then fill my gob at Ye Olde Pasty Shop as well as the pound-bakery, pound-pub and pound-chippy. (OK, I may have mentioned this once or twice before.)
Oh, happy days.
Sadly, now they’ve gone into Tier 3 lockdown, I’m stuck with the Southern Softies and over-priced chips. Do you know, Northern fans, some places down here don’t even bother to peel them either, claiming they’re better for you with the skins on. Bah.
Not that I’m too demanding, you understand, I’m a relatively cheap date. It’s just that, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you lot were starting to take me for granted.
Each week you rely on my musings to finish off your week (and hopefully nothing smuttier) and set you on your way to the weekend. In fact, I know of at least one avid fan (yes, you Martin) who refuses to even think of the weekend until I have bashed this out.
But, the thing is, what do I get in return? Where’s my Busty Bonus? More to the point, where’s my Chippy Tea down here?
I mean even Nile, who I only spoke to for a nanosecond, has promised to send me something special in the post (by the way, how is that autographed boxset coming along Sarah?) but from you lot, what do I get? Nowt.
Still, I guess it’s not all bad, Fatty and Fatter have at least promised to take to the Indian Cottage Tandoori, where proprietor Abdul does a mean Chicken Sagg Balti and Chips. And once I have that in my mouth, all I have to do is close my eyes and I could be back at the Royal Balti House, 78 Market St, Farnworth…
But don’t just take my word for it that they’re “poppadomtastic”, next time you are up in Bolton, their “Bolti” (get it?) is to die for and they’re also the Bolton News Best Restaurant of the Year, Bolton Festival Restaurant of the Year, and Trip Advisor Travellers’ Choice 2020.
Surely, after that write-up, they’ll welcome me with open arms, too… Roll on next October!