Never let it be said that I shy away from the truth, so it is with a heavy heart once again – and a touch of trepidation – that I have to admit…I’m a wanker.
Yep, you guessed it, the Masturbation Month of May has come back for more and, quite frankly, if you’re not a wanker too, why are you even reading this?
Now, of course, we all know that just like Black Friday, Blue Monday, Tits-Up Tuesday, Wonderous Wednesday and Thirsty Thursday, Masturbation Month was invented by the biggest tossers around, marketers; was it ever thus?
But there’s more. The first Friday in May (that’s today by the way) is also National No Pants Day.
As the blurb states: “There is a huge list of things that people would say that they can do ‘in the comfort of their own home’, or should we say remove in the comfort of their own home. The first thing on that list? Pants.
“There is a feeling that you get from stumbling through the door at the end of a hard workday and dropping your pants before you ever leave the hall. It is surely a feeling that most people know for real!
“After a long day of work, your legs can feel imprisoned, and the waistline slightly red and sore from sitting and having those uncomfortable pants digging in every day. (Yes, you Fatty).
“The fresh air on your bare skin lets you know you’re home, and you’re comfortable. Such a great feeling is this that there’s even a holiday dedicated to it, and it should be no surprise that it’s called National No Pants Day.”
OK, as you can tell, it started off as an American thing – in other words they mean “traaahzziz” as Danny Dyer calls them – but these days it is apparently celebrated all around the world.
Not that my esteemed bosses need any excuse to sit down and work in their underwear; to be fair it would be nice if they actually wore some trousers one day.
Still, when you’re a tosser, you can get away with anything…
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