Why this customer experience will be a pain in the ass

foxy 414And let the countdown commence…No, not the British game show involving word and number tasks broadcast on Channel 4 and currently presented by Anne Robinson, assisted by Rachel Riley, with resident lexicographer Susie Dent.

I mean the COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS, of course: 56 sleeps and just over 11 hours to be precise and I bet you lot haven’t even thought of what you will be getting me this year either.

But, don’t worry, I will be drawing up my CHRISTMAS wish list in the coming weeks, so rest assured you will get plenty of Foxy’s Top Festive Tips.

One “treat” which will definitely not be on the list is a visit to the Fifty Shades of Grey Playroom, which is apparently opening in Soho this weekend. It’s a pop-up, so it’s been all over Campaign magazine like a rash.

Anyway, for those of you who are interested, author EL James has partnered up with sex toy – sorry, sexual wellbeing – specialist Lovehoney and is offering consultations with sexperts – and the chance to explore some of the sex toys featured in the series.

According to the official blurb, the customer experience is designed to inspire visitors to explore their sexuality and learn how to bring bondage into their world. Fans will then have a private consultation with a Lovehoney sexpert who will guide them as they explore how to enjoy the toys and techniques made famous by Anastasia and Christian Grey.

EL James gushed: “I find it hard to believe it’s been ten years since readers across the world took Christian and Anastasia to their hearts. Lovehoney are the perfect partners to help me celebrate this milestone, and I can’t wait for the official opening of their Playroom this October, when fans of the series will have the chance to immerse themselves in the world of Fifty Shades.” (No doubt she’s trousered plenty of cash, too.)

For the poor desperate souls, the Playroom will be open to the public from 10am to 8pm with pre-booked appointment slots to ensure a safe visit for all guests. (Until they get home, that is.)

Personally, I prefer my cousin Busty’s interpretation: “Fifty Shades of Grey? Bah, 26 chapters and 514 pages of appallingly written drivel, turned into 125 minutes of nonsense, more like.”

And with such prose as this, it’s easy to see her disdain. “I palm her ass as I ease my weight onto her. ‘I am going to take you from behind, Anastasia.” With my other hand I grab her hair at the nape and tug gently, holding her in place. She cannot move. Her hands are helpless and splayed against the sheets, out of harm’s way. ‘You are mine,’ I whisper. ‘Only mine. Don’t forget it.'”

Now, call me old fashioned, why is it always us girls who have to be tied up and whacked? First thing on the CHRISTMAS list: a pair of “man-sized” handcuffs; should put the kibosh on that…

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