And, so, dear Foxy fans, as the Merry Masturbation Month of May reaches its climax, most of you will no doubt be looking for new excuses to enter the self-pleasure dome. To be fair, I don’t need any fresh reasons; I love myself day and night. Well, no other bugger seems to give a toss.
But what, I hear you ask, has she come up with now? Why, with the General Election campaign under way, surely it’s time to revisit the Illicitencounters.com UK’s Sexiest Politicians For 2021?
It might have been three very long years ago, but Illicitencounters chiefs are obviously far too busy to update it. After all, they have 80 million suckers willing to pay £800 a year to chat to bots and fakes. Yep, you read that right, that’s annual revenues of £64bn a year.
Therefore, sadly we can only reflect on previous research, but it does provide an insight into how the nation was feeling in the post-pandemic flush.
The study, conducted with 2,000 cheaters across the UK, split equally by male and female respondents, saw Johnny Mercer spurt into first place in the male category with 22% of the vote, dethroning “Dishy Rishi Sunak” [their words, not ours] who toppled down to second.
Spokeswoman Jessica Leoni stated: “There is no denying it, Johnny Mercer has smouldering good looks and charm – in fact with Daniel Craig stepping down from the Bond franchise – some may be forgiven for thinking that Bond, Johnny Bond has a good ring to it – especially with his military background.” Er, if you say so, luv.
A close second with 20% of the vote was Sunak. Our Jessica added: “Not only is he a very good-looking candidate, the country simply trusts him to get the job done – and boy does Rishi deliver. No wonder women all over the UK are pining over him.” Oh how things have changed, hey, short-arse. These days he can’t even be trusted to change his underwear…
Talking of pants, in third place was the then prime minister, Boris Johnson (17%). Over to Jess: “It’s not easy to appease everybody as leader of the country and the pandemic really hindered dear Johnson’s reputation for a while, however, he’s turned it around and become a hit with the ladies once again.” What a cock.
Participants of the survey were also asked to vote for the least sexy politicians, with Conservative Sajid Javid selected as the least desirable male with an overwhelming 31% of the vote. At last some common sense.
For the female entrants the overall winner was the rather fit bisexual Conservative Dehenna Davison (29%) knocking Labour’s gorgeous Lisa Nandy off the podium. Labour’s other stunner, Dr Rosena Allin Khan, held firm in second place, while Nandy dropped to third.
Meanwhile, the least sexy female politician award went to Conservative Thérèse “cigar-puffing” Coffey (23%), while Priti “old witch” Patel hit second (19%) and Labour’s Anneliese “frizzy hair” Dodds (18%) was third.
So, what are the conclusions? As usual with online dating, it’s slim pickings for us girls and plenty of hot totty for you fellas. We can only hope the next batch of MPs provides the sisterhood with something to cheer. Just don’t bank on it…
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