Just like many people, I do love a scandal and this week has seen yet another one added to the lexicon of Watergate, Coldplaygate, Donutgate, Bustygate, Boobgate, Doritogate, Poopgate, Queuegate, Slapgate, Hackgate and Fredo-gate, with the emergence of, yep, you guessed it, Penisgate.
In what some have claimed could threaten to bring the Milano 2026 Winter Olympics “to its knees” (fnar, fnar), some ski jumpers have been accused injecting their knobs with hyaluronic acid in order to fly further.
German newspaper Bild first reported the claims in January, explaining that enlarging the genital area allowed athletes to wear slightly larger ski jumping suits, which would allow them to create more lift, increase their aerodynamics and help them add distance.
Apparently, one study in the scientific journal Frontiers found that every 2cm in suit size circumference reduced drag by 4% and increased lift by 5%. It said that a 2cm change in the suits was equivalent to an extra 5.8 metres in jump length. So, athletes will do anything they can to make their suits looser when they compete.
Naturally, as any man who has ever tried desperately to make his cock look bigger through plastic surgery will no doubt tell you, such measures do carry a huge risk.
According to one report: “Poorly injected technique or incorrect dose would cause penile pain, poor cosmesis [disfigurement], deformity, infection, inflammation, sensory change, and sexual dysfunction. In rare instances, infection can spread to cause gangrene (tissue necrosis) and loss of the penis.”
Mind you, one less cock in the world would not necessarily be a bad thing; we can but dream girls, we can but dream.
But, as ever, I hear you demand to know what on Earth has this got to do with marketing…
Well, what about the event’s sponsors, who have been sold the dream of exclusive global marketing rights, allowing them to associate their brand with the Olympic rings, use “official partner” designations, and access prime advertising opportunities?
According to the official blurb, “these partnerships provide high-visibility brand exposure, category-exclusive rights, and, for many, the chance to integrate products/services directly into Games operations”.
Let’s face it, Penisgate is perhaps not the sort of high-visibility brand exposure that Airbnb, Alibaba, Allianz, Coca-Cola, Corona Cero, Deloitte, Omega, P&G, Samsung, TCL and Visa had in mind.
Just saying.
Foxy has ditched X but is still on Instagram, just don’t get too excited as she’s never there
