Never let it be said that we shy away from the big issues in marketing – or life, for that matter – and when the two collide, we’re right there. So, when an email crashed into my inbox earlier this week with the results of a survey on what Brits would do if a nuclear war broke out, naturally, I got straight on it… well, you never know, this could be a major opportunity for brand owners.
The survey, commissioned by online entertainment brand Slotozilla (no, me neither), asked over 2,000 UK adults what their first move would be when faced with impending doom, no doubt hoping that some would say, “gamble my life away”.
However, while the threat could be pretty bad news for the planet, it could be great news for the pub trade, with nearly one in four Brits saying they would go straight to the boozer.
Yep, you read that right, 24% would opt to “go out with a pint in hand”. After all, what’s a little global annihilation when there’s still a chance for a cheeky pint? Sadly, it seems that for the on-trade, the last chance saloon can’t come soon enough.
But, I hear you ask, what other brands could benefit from some stubby fingered psycho pushing the big red button? Well, come on down B&Q, Screwfix, and Wickes, because apparently, 18% of Brits would bravely attempt to build a bunker (no doubt booze brands will be hoping they have already bought in their supplies…)
Even so, a rather resigned 14% would simply do nothing because, well, “what’s the point?” (so no marketing opportunity there).
Better news for the motor trade, however, as 11% of Brits say they would get in their car and drive off (presumably to another pub), meaning they will have to make sure they have a reliable model – definitely an opportunity for “Vorsprung Durch Technik”, don’t you think?.
Meanwhile, 7% would desperately Google “how to survive” (meaning Alphabet would still be raking in the money even as the world burns). Slightly worrying for the retail industry is that 5% say they would start looting, while surprise, surprise, 3% said they would take to social media to show everyone how shit scared they were – #HelpMePleaseBeforeMyPlasticFace&ArseBurnOff, anyone?
Regionally, Northerners will lead the charge to the boozer, with nearly a third planning a final session, while only a paltry 11% of Londoners would join them (too busy ignoring everyone, perhaps?). Scottish respondents were most likely to seek out family, while the Welsh, in a truly heart-warming turn, were most likely to pray. God bless ’em.
When it comes to the gender divide, men are twice as likely to envision themselves as bunker-building survivalists (24% vs 11% of women), while women, ever the pragmatists, prefer to be with family. Men are also more likely to admit they’d loot or “try to take control” – presumably of the looting operation.
As for who Brits would spend their final hour with? The answers range from the comforting presence of David Attenborough and Louis Theroux to the culinary delights of Nigella Lawson and the pure joy of Alison Hammond. But the most quintessentially British responses? “Whoever works at my local Tesco” and “whoever’s still serving pints.”
As a spokesperson for Slotozilla put it: “It’s a dark question, but one that reveals a lot about British attitudes to crisis.”
It certainly does, but whatever happened to spending the last few moments shagging each other’s brains out?
Oh, silly me, I forgot, AI has that covered these days…
Follow Foxy on X and Instagram if you must, but don’t get too excited as I’m never there
