Busty and proud…well, sometimes

I’m not feeling myself this week, and sadly it’s not because I’ve been ravaged wildly by Ivor Big’un either – he’s still proving as elusive as ever – it’s just that I find myself in a bit of a quandary.
It all started earlier in the week when Abercrombie & Fitch bosses announced they had scrapped their employment policy. You see, part of me was outraged that they only ever used to hire fit young men with toned abs, glinty teeth and highly chiselled features. I mean what about the poor old mingers? Why couldn’t they work there?
But another part of me was quite chipper when I actually went into the shops…all that fit young flesh put me in a a very good mood I can tell you, and those boys could stick their hands deep into my, er, purse any day.
And then there was the row over Protein World’s “Are You Beach Body Ready?” ad, which got the ardent feminists into such a frenzy that even their moustaches were twitching.
Mind you, not everyone was upset; predictably Katie Hopkins mouthed off, but even so-called “normal” people claimed that they found the campaign inspiring.
Again, part of me was outraged because I don’t fit in with the boys’ hips, pert tits brigade. (I have obviously got massive knockers, as you guys so delicately put it, but I’ve also got an arse to match.)
However, while I know I should welcome the Dove parody, “Yes, We Are Beach Ready”, secretly I can’t help thinking that I don’t want to share a beach with those girls as there wouldn’t be any room left for little ol’ me. Maybe they should have changed the strapline to “Yes. We are Beach Whale Ready.”
Now, never let it be said that I don’t bang the drum for natural beauty. But there’s no way I can burn my bra – carrying these 38DDs round would challenge even Mr Universe – and I like to keep nice and trim downstairs, too.
But while a world populated by “chubsters”, as Katie Hopkins calls them, would be a pretty boring place, so would one populated by the “beautiful people” (although quite why Hopkins thinks she falls into the latter camp is anyone’s guess).
Then again, as a slim beauty in a chubster’s body, you get the best of both worlds with me…

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