Tuilisa Contoslavlos, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, that bird in China (HuSuk Kok, was it?) and now Busty Idol – that’s right I’m afraid I have been the victim of a sex-tape scandal.
One minute I was putting the finishing touches to our pitch for the Three-legged Donkey Sanctuary – ironically a shoot-out – the next thing I knew Tarquin Farquhar was on the phone to tell me I was the editor’s pick on Twitter’s new video streaming service, Vine.
Quite how anyone had worked out it was me is anyone’s guess. After all, it was only a six-second clip of me in riding boots straddled cow-girl stylee; maybe my distinctive “tramp stamp” tattoo gave it all away.
Now Tarquers reckons that it was one of our rival agencies trying to sabotage my pitch, although, if it was, I’m very pleased to report it has seriously back-fired on them. For, as soon as I put the blower down on old Farquhar, I heard the dulcet Lancashire tones of my prospective client, Steve Wonkey come on the line.
Expecting the worst, I kept my mouth well and truly shut, for a change. But it seems there was no need, as Steve didn’t even mention it; at least I don’t think he did. To be honest his accent is so broad I can’t fathom out what he’s banging on about most of the time. I did make out that he’d had such a good time at our chemistry meeting – apparently my performance on a pastie barm has gone down in the annals of local history – that he’d decided to call off the pitch and was handing the business straight to us.
Yeeeeehaw cow-girls, Busty’s Direct Sales & Marketing is up and running. Steve’s even invited me up to Bolton for the weekend to celebrate and he says he’s got a collection of riding whips I might be interested in.
He reckons I’m a “reet gradely gobbin” and he’s promised that I’ll be “proper powfagged” by Sunday, and who am I to argue? To be fair, Tarquin’s not best pleased but as Steve would say, “I’m only tekking a sken”.
Anyway, I have a feeling that it will be best to get out of London tonight, as millions of people celebrate the triple whammy of a Friday night, payday and the end of the January detox. Ouch.
VCCP me boss Ben Stephens has even sent out a warning to his Facebook buddies, posting: “I would like to apologise for my behaviour this weekend in advance…” For once, it might actually be safer in Bolton.
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