You people. This country. Yep, I’m afraid I’m on the rampage this week, with Britain going to the polls. But as if the march of Farage is not hard enough to stomach, it is that other divisive and outspoken knob, Piers Morgan, who has really got my goat.
You see, he has just been crowned the UK’s “Sexiest Man” for the second year running in the annual poll conducted by – yes, you guessed it – IllicitEncounters.com, who has achieved back-to-back victories after shooting to the top of the table last year having languished in 40th place the year before.
The annual survey asks 2,000 female IllicitEncounters members to rate 50 of the most famous and culturally relevant men in British public life on a scale of 1 to 10, based on their sex appeal.
Morgan joins that other loathsome fool, Jeremy Clarkson, as the only men to have won the title more than once – though this year it’s Clarkson who finds himself playing second fiddle, dropping to fourth after his own two-year reign at the summit.
But, apparently, the real story of 2026 is the men who came from nowhere to shake up the podium entirely.
Louis “about as sexy as lettuce” Theroux makes his debut straight into second place. It seems that in 2026, the quiet, curious type is very much having a moment.
Even more startling is third place. Thomas “gawd blimey guv’nor I’m thick as two short planks” Skinner, the “larger-than-life” former Apprentice and Strictly candidate, has made one of the most unlikely entries in the poll’s history. The contrast with Theroux could not be more pronounced – yet here they both are, separated by just fractions of a point, yet equally unsexy.
Rounding out the Top 5, “pompous” Clarkson holds on at fourth, while Dermot “mum’s favourite” O’Leary slips slightly to fifth place (down from fourth) and cementing his status as one of the poll’s most consistent performers.
Danny “he’s everywhere” Dyer drops three places to sixth after a strong debut last year, while Ben “boring” Shephard holds steady at seventh – his second consecutive Top 10 appearance. Sports presenter Andy “dull as ditchwater” Goldstein makes a new entry in eighth place.
Radio and TV personality Chris “the ego has landed” Evans claims ninth, and Romesh “not funny at all” Ranganathan rounds off the Top 10 for the second consecutive year.
A flurry of British sportsmen also ranked highly in the Top 50, with Formula One’s Lando “tiny” Norris making a strong debut in the poll at 12th place – while his Ferrari rival Lewis “even smaller” Hamilton landed at 16th, and Rory “I play with small balls” McIlroy came in at 23rd.
In fact, the sexiest man ever, Idris Elba, slipped further down the rankings coming 36th. WTF?
IllicitEncounters.com sex therapist Jessica Leoni said: “Piers doing it back-to-back is remarkable – but in some ways it makes perfect sense. He’s the same man he always was: loud, uncompromising, and absolutely certain he’s right. Clearly that’s a formula that works.
“But the real talking point is Louis Theroux and Thomas Skinner finishing second and third. They could not be more different – one is a softly-spoken intellectual who lets silence do the heavy lifting, the other is one of the most exuberant personalities on British television. What they have in common is that they are both completely, authentically themselves. And that, more than anything, seems to be what women find irresistible in 2026.
“Jeremy Clarkson dropping to fourth will sting a little – he’s used to winning – but a podium finish is still quite the legacy for a man in a tweed jacket.”
But what, as ever, I hear you ask, has this got to do with marketing?
Well, if you are looking for a brand ambassador and you don’t mind them being a plonker, any of the top ten could be your man.
Then again, it does call into question what sort of woman signs up to IllicitEncounters.com in the first place? Are they stupid or just blind? Which ever they are, I’m sure Specsavers could make a whole series of ads with this lot…
Foxy has ditched X but is still on Instagram, just don’t get too excited as she’s never there
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