The big day looms, but where’s the father of the bride?

foxy nSo, with just hours to go until the biggest celebration in years, down here in my new adopted home on the South Coast, we’re all running round like headless chickens in a vain attempt to make sure everything is in place for the big day. But dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s is far from easy when the “father of the bride” has done a runner…
Royal Wedding fever? Forget it, we’re talking about a much bigger event than that and one that, surprise, surprise, doesn’t quite have the military precision of the big day in Windsor.
This particular “bride” is McKelvey’s new business venture, which, although it does have a secret squirrel partner, is whooping it up starkers.
And, much like Meghan Markle’s dad, my esteemed boss seems to have cocked it up again and done another one of his famous disappearing acts. So, while you lot sit down to enjoy the Harry and Meghan show, spare a thought for me and Roxy.
This weekend, we have got to build a website from scratch, open a business bank account, sign up for corporation tax, sort out VAT registration (£85,000 turnover? In your dreams boss), arrange a launch party, send out invites to VIP guests, and then work out what the hell the business is supposed to be offering. No pressure then.
Indeed, I have been so busy, I haven’t even had a chance to get out into Brighton to explore my sexuality. All that totty, so little time. In fact, I haven’t even had a chance to log on to Pornhub either. I wonder if the gorgeous, witty, brainy and übersexy Jonathan Spooner could squeeze me in. I’m sure Roxy wouldn’t mind, needs must and all that.
I am just hoping he hasn’t had his head turned by reports that Chinese billionaire Cecil Chao is offering $180,000,000 to any man who is willing to marry his daughter, Gigi. There is one snag, however, not only is she married, she’s been with her wife, Sean Eav, for over ten years.
On the upside, they would fit in perfectly round here…now, where did I put that VIP guest list…


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