I’d like to say I’ve spent all week on the beach in Cannes gawping at Brazilians. Sadly, though, I haven’t been back to the Gutter Bar since I had the audacity to fall asleep on Johnny Hornby’s boat after spending all day quaffing the finest ‘pink’ money can buy.
For this very reason Simon Hall has been sulking with me ever since. Apparently I upset him just when he was trying to impress his new business partners at CHI. That their client, the then marketing director of British Gas – for argument’s sake we’ll call him Nick Smith – urinated in a wardrobe because he couldn’t find the toilet seemed trivial. I FELL ASLEEP! (Note to self: Next time piss all over everyone’s clothes instead, or at least get yourself a massive marketing budget.)
Ho hum, happy days. Mind you my heinous misdemeanour didn’t seem to prevent Simon from grabbing more millions a few years later.
Anyway, while the whole of Campaign magazine has decamped to the South of France, I have been cowering under the brolly. Still I have had great news via email. Loyal readers of this column will recall how I recently got an offer from a guy called Li Park, who claimed an Arab friend of his made a deposit of $44,500.000.00 in his bank account and swiftly kicked the bucket, leaving behind no next of kin. Surprise, surprise it turned out to be a scam.
This week I got a “100% risk free” offer from a Spanish attorney, Luis De Carlos. He said: “I got your contact information through the international public records while searching for a similar name to my late client’s, a business magnate who lived in Spain with his family for about 13 years before their accidental death, during the Concorde catastrophe in Paris, on the 31st of July 2000.
“Before the catastrophe; he deposited one trunk box containing the sum of $16.8m with a safe security company here in Spain. After abortive efforts searching for a direct family member which came to no avail, I was given an ultimatum to look for some relative to put up a claim or have the vault liquidated.
“Against this backdrop, I do suggest you stand as the next of kin. I know you may not be anyway related to my late client but having a common surname with him, I can guarantee that if you follow my instructions the vault will be released to us.
“Mind you that this transaction is 100% risk free; there is no atom of risk connected to this business as I have worked out all modalities to complete the operation effectively. Once the vault is released to you, we shall divide the content 50/50. All you have to do is send me $5,000 and the money will be yours.”
And who says everyone in the world is a money-grabbing bastard? Well done Luis, you have restored my trust in humankind. Now where did I put my PayPal password…
