Another week, another round of massive stories hits the news, although some media outlets have been overegging the pudding. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love nothing more than a headline that gets the juices flowing but even I have been finding things tough going this week.
Take the Birmingham Mail story “Gogglebox couple quit UK after filming final scenes for Channel 4”. What’s that you say? The Malones have emigrated? Er, no. They have “left” England for a holiday.
What about “John Bishop says ‘goodnight’ and issues heartbreaking family announcement”? Er, his pet pig Milo has snuffed it, that’s all.
However, one of this august journal’s very own headlines – “Major brands warned over extortion after global attack” – did strike a chord this week after I received an email from someone called Mr Cross (I know you can’t make this shit up).
Anyway, it seems it is a case of Cross by name and Cross by nature, as he introduced himself as “a professional hacker” and then got very angry as he explained: “I have been secretly monitoring all your activities and watching you for several months so don’t bother trying to ignore this email otherwise I will come for you!”
He then claimed: “I have made a video compilation, which shows on the left side the scenes of you happily masturbating, while on the right side it demonstrates the video you were watching at that moment.
“All I need is just to share this video to all email addresses and messenger contacts of people you are in communication with on your device or PC. Furthermore, I can also make public all your emails and chat history. You definitely want to avoid this from happening.”
Cross then demanded I transfer the Bitcoin equivalent of $530 to his Bitcoin account, within 50 hours, warning: “Trust me, I am very careful, calculative and never make mistakes. If I discover that you shared this message with others, I will straight away proceed with making your private videos public.”
Am I angry? Shame on him, but of course not; in fact I pity him. Has he never heard of OnlyFans, FapHouse or even PornHub Community where people will pay a premium to watch this sort of content?
Not that I am suggesting I already have accounts, but hey if my content is a good as he claims, it’s never too late for a career change…
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