What does the New Year hold for the leading lights of the DM industry and beyond? Ivan Idol polishes up his crystal ball and gives his predictions for the next 12 months…
January Latest Bellwether shows DM spend will rocket 45 per cent. Everyone ditches the January detox to celebrate, although they are left with more than a nasty headache when the IPA realises it has left the decimal point out – it should have read 4.5 per cent. A riot at the President’s reception is only averted when ‘Crazy Pringle’ promises to open more champagne to soften the blow.
February DMA TV hosts an industry version of Come Dine With Me, pitting present and past industry luminaries against each other. Scott ‘Jock Boy’ Logie cooks haggis, Mike ‘Bermondsey Boy’ Lordan serves up jellied eels, Rosemary ‘Spice Girl’ Smith ditches the cooker for a liquid lunch, while Colin ‘Wideboy’ Lloyd reverts to type and simply hands over some discount vouchers. Rosemary sweeps the board to win.
March DecisionMarketing announces inaugural awards will take place in May, sparking a major bunfight over who will be chairman of the judges. Esteemed editor is inundated with offers from the industry’s great and good, and a few ropey ones, too, allowing him to dine out for the whole month, but who will he choose?
April Kate Middleton’s parents realise that they will have to scale back on the Royal Wedding after it emerges the bottom has fallen out of the list data rental market for their Party Pieces database. Luckily, as DMA members, they can get a group discount at Chessington World of Adventures.
May Inaugural DecisionMarketing Awards bash goes so well that the esteemed editor actually sits through the whole event without retiring to the bar to watch the footie (no doubt this is helped by the fact that his beloved Chelsea have already been knocked out of the Champions League).
June Former Rapier creative chief John Townshend finally launches agency, Townshend & Friends, with Raynham Hall and the British Turnip Appreciation Society as his first clients. Now, how on earth did that happen?
July Royal Mail sell-off goes ahead. The Queen decides she likes the company so much that she buys it back, giving her a seat on the DMA board. Who says this industry doesn’t sit at the top table?
August “We’re all going on a summer holiday no more working for a week or two. Fun and laughter on our summer holiday, no more worries for me or you”… Forget it, there’s a recession on, so with belts tighter than a gnat’s ass, a staycation is the order of the day. Only one problem, you never really get away from work as the office is constantly badgering you. Ah well, when things pick up next year we’ll make sure we go where the iPhone can’t find us…
September Wow, that was some holiday – only some holiday, but not enough holiday. Get back to the office to discover half the company has been made redundant, but not your half so you’ve got twice the workload. Still, apparently we have all got to share the burden for the last decade’s good times.
October Now free from the day to day constraints of running AIS, John Ingall enters the X-Factor with his musical genius son. Four “yeses” from the judges see the duo go through to boot camp and they end up back at Cheryl’s place. But Will i Am from the Black Eyed Peas persuades Ingall Jnr to ditch the old fella; John fights back the tears yet accepts his fate and returns to exile in Corsica.
November Competition Commission finally gives green light to Murdoch’s takeover of Sky (as if he didn’t have any influence previously!) but the move sparks the ire of Vince Cable, who previously claimed he had declared war on Murdoch. He tries to bring down the Coalition by blowing up Parliament. Unfortunately for Cable, the three Roman Candles, one Mount Vesuvius and six Sparklers don’t quite do the trick. He still keeps his job though.
December Ingall Jnr wins the X-Factor final, but not before his old fella makes a glittering return to the DM industry by performing at the DMA Awards. Just goes to show that, despite not making quite as much money as his arch-rival and best mate Phil Andrews, he still commands the respect of this industry.
