The countdown to my summer of fun has begun, but even I must admit that France is not looking quite so attractive now. Call me old-fashioned, but even I might have my work cut out with the power cuts, floods, Paris Metro strikes, SNCF state railway strikes, petrol strikes, air travel strikes, pestilence and plague.
Oh for those much simpler days when all you had to do was wait for a call from those generous men at large Northern data companies to get your sporting thrills.
OK, you might have to put up with them trying to explain the laws of cricket – “do you know what those blokes out there are doing with the wooden sticks, chuck?”. Then there was the incessant staring down your top and offers of a threesome with their wife, but at least it was all harmless fun. And the fine wines and fine dining helped, too.
They didn’t even expect any “extras” either; at “stumps” (you see I’m no fool) they sloped off for their “grand night out” to what they charmingly called “the fanny bars of t’London”. (BTW the grand night out was a reference to how much they spent – “a grand a man” – not exactly Wallace and Gromit but ho hum.)
Mind you, there’s another issue for this summer; since those halcyon days at Lord’s and the Oval I’ve piled on the pounds. Beach body ready? More beached whale.
Luckily, help is at hand from our good friends at Pornhub, who’ve just launched BangFit, a fitness programme combining sex and exercise that asks players to mimic porn actors’ motions. What sets it apart from its rivals, apparently, is its emphasis on making sex as physically taxing as possible while harvesting biometric data. (This has a data angle and everything.)
During “gameplay”, BangFit users are given the option to play with a partner, solo, or with multiple partners, and all you have to do is follow along with porn actors’ moves while tracking your own motions using your smartphone’s gyroscope.
That data fuels the game’s point system, which awards points each time a repetition – actions like the “squat and thrust” or the “missionary press” – is successfully completed, to a maximum of 10,000 points.
They have even kept the workouts to about 7 minutes, as a PornHub spokesman claimed: “While we believe that the pace set by the porn stars in the video is achievable for a regular person, maybe their famous stamina is not.”
Speak for yourself luv…I’ve only been on the programme a few days and while I may not exactly be beach body ready yet, I’m sure you’ll believe me when I say I am definitely BangFit.
You can also follow Busty on Twitter @BustyIdol
