Busty in electric undies shocker

I’m rather ashamed to report that the self-styled king of Pussy, Jonny Shearer, has rejected all my advances – not even the lure of a Busty bonus was enough to tempt him into my lair – so I’ve been forced to go back to the drawing board, or should I say naughtydating.com.
To be honest, it’s been a few weeks since I was on there but it was the place where I met my Victor Chandler account man so I was hoping to bag another. Would you believe, my inbox was stuffed? However, one cheeky chap from Down Under did more than catch my eye, so I started to chat.
Apparently he’s been working on the new Durex underwear which allows long-distance couples to touch each other via a smartphone app. It’s all part of the ‘Durexperiment’ platform, which encourages people to experiment with sex – and there’s nothing wrong with that, I say.
All you have to do is send a message to your lover’s smartphone, and it relays the message to “touch-actuators” woven into the fabric of their underwear. (You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you?)
Two days later and a package arrived in the post and I’m now the proud owner of a rather slinky pair of “touchy-feely” knickers. And my god, talk about sending shockwaves…it’s like I’ve been wired to the National Grid ever since. Not only that, but you don’t have to put up with all the usual crap you men, er, come with…and I’m saving a fortune in tissues.
Talking of long-distance lurve, I bumped into the indefatigable Huw Davis this week – well, I say bumped into; more like tripped over. He’s such a charmer; he even invited me over to visit his operation in Singapore, aptly named Nanomarketing.
Mind you, I do wonder whether he adopts the local accent when he’s over there. According to former EHS Brann chief Matt Atkinson – now Tesco marketing head honcho – Huw used to switch to a rather broad West Country accent when he visited EHS Cirencester, complete with rustic hat and a straw hanging out of his mouth. “Ooh Arr.”
Anyway, he was telling me his team out in Singapore are massive Busty fans. So much so, in fact, that his head of operations – the rather eye-popping Mr Bigkok – talks about little else. Now there’s a man I’d love to talk to with a pair of those “touch-actuators”…

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