Busty in search of massive tips

And so to Merseyside for the biggest date in the racing calendar…that’s right fans I’m penning this week’s column on the train to Ladies’ Day at Aintree, and I have to say I am attracting plenty of attention from my fellow travellers.
Maybe it’s something to do with my “whip-me stockings” or my ‘love’ basque, but I’m certainly popular. One gent has already offered me a full English, complete with a large sausage, and I’ve only just pulled out of Euston.
As you know, I’ve decided to have a break from my Weston Super Mare midfield enforcer, Fiddes Jr, although it seems to have had a detrimental affect on the whole team. Without little ol’ Busty cheering them on, they slumped to another defeat – a 3-0 drubbing by Staines of all teams – followed by a 0-0 against lowly Gosport Borough.
But while they are definitely finding it hard to score, I’m hoping to be bending them in like Beckham all weekend. To be honest, having seen a sneak preview of Ladies’ Day on the Aintree website, the competition up there is looking pretty poor. False tans, false tits and Scouse-brow? Forget it girls, I’m going to have my pick of the fellas. It seems news of my impending arrival has also hit ticket tickets – apparently 7,000 remain unsold. Organisers are said to be “puzzled” about the apparent shortfall, but we all know why don’t we? Who needs plastic WAGs when you can have the real thing?
Mind you, I am having a little trouble with my famous tips. You may recall that I was on a roll at Cheltenham but my secret tipster is proving very elusive for some reason. I have got my eye on Big Fella Thanks in the Topham Chase at 3:40pm today – well we all like a big fella don’t we girls? – while Miss Sassypants could be worth an each-way bet in the 5:25pm.
But what I’m really after is a good tip for the National. My heart says I should go for Shakalakaboomboom, but my head is a little tempted to follow mathematician and Gogglebox star William Hartston’s tip, Monbeg Dude, part-owned by Zara Phillips and her former England rugby international husband Mike Tindall.
However, Hartston attempted to use a mathematical formula to predict the winner of last year’s race but after his tip Seabass failed to live up to his findings, he concluded he must have overlooked certain data. Yeh right.
Guess I’ll just have to hang around the jockeys’ enclosure to see if I can use my famous powers of persuasion to tease out the hot favourite from some of the riders…