I must confess, my feet have hardly touched the ground this week. While the UK froze and rushed to B&Q for DIY equipment, my lovely Victor Chandler man Steve whisked me away to Orange County, California, for some hot fun with his very own power tool.
We supped kir royales by the pool, we massaged oils into every gland – and let me tell you, the man from Del Monte he said “yes” more than a few times, too. My La Maison du Chocolat hand-crafted egg had turned to mush before we even got there, sadly, but it went on smoothly and came off quickly, so nothing went to waste.
Anyway, fresh from my weekend away, I now find myself in another sea of orange – Ladies’ Day at the Grand National Festival – as I can confirm the spray tan shops of Merseyside have been very busy this week.
Now according to the official blurb, “raceday fashions bring a plethora of colour to every enclosure, which only heightens the excitement, glamour and atmosphere”. Yeh right, there’s even a raceday style contest, sponsored by, er, Matalan…(funnily enough most of the women dress like they’ve been to Mark One though).
It all kicked off at 10am this morning, where I grabbed my free Matalan goody bag “filled with essential raceday items”, (condoms, Viagra and spray-tan top-up). And I’ve only got half-an-hour to go before the judging starts in the Red Rum enclosure…Fashion parade my arse, this is more like a cattle market.
I’m not too sure when the horse-racing starts, but there are plenty of cheeky scousers studying my form…and my LKB riding boots are going down very well. Steve has been busy giving me some hot tips, too, but obviously I’ve ignored them – after all it’s his job to pick the losers for his clients, otherwise he gets the sack.
Luckily, I’ve managed to get him to hand over a couple of grand – I’m not going to let him leave me high and dry like he did at Cheltenham – so I’ve got a few bob to splash on the nags.
And my top tip for today? Put whatever you’ve got on Midnight Minx, in the 5:25pm John Smith’s Mares’ Standard Open National Hunt Flat Race. With a name like that, how can it possibly lose?
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