Well, that was a week to forget wasn’t it? Luckily little ol’ me is here to try to bring some sunshine to this dark world and where better to start than tell you how I plan to brighten your days forever?
Now, as you may recall, over the years Busty and I have strived to make a few extra quid to top up our pathetic salaries. These days they call it a side-hustle, back then it was called desperation.
After all, who could possibly forget 2012’s best-selling tome of “The World According to Busty Idol & Friends”?
Volume 1 featured nearly 60 columns, 20,000 words and 126 pages, including the notorious agency cocaine bust, the truth about a shocking Tesco pitch and the birth of the now infamous ‘Busty Bonus’… all for just £6.99 (+P&P).
Sadly, it seems nearly everyone forgot, including our teenage designer who is apparently still putting the finishing touches to Volumes 2, 3 4 5 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10, even though he’s now in his late 20s. Still, those of you luckily enough to have a first edition, hold on tight. It could be worth at least a fiver by now.
Next up was our famous weight-loss programme, “The Busty Diet, in association with, yes, you guessed it, Pornhub”.
Basically, you could eat as much as you liked but you had to commit to spend at least an hour a day exercising to porn. In a nutshell, you could stuff your face, fill your boots and still lose weight. Unfortunately, take up was smaller than a micro-penis.
Naturally, we don’t give up easily, so then we polished up our mashing, sparging, boiling and cooling skills to launch a new craft ale “Foxy over a Barrel”, which was described as “accessible yet assertive, zesty and bold, and big with ample body and a great finish”. Saldy it ended up flat on its arse (a bit like the master brewer).
Then earlier this year, I decided to take a pop at the rag trade – well, high-end fashion is how I was planning to market it – with “the Decision Marketing Idol Gossip Designer Collection in association with Shenzhen Qian Shezhang Apparel Co Ltd, offering top-notch product quality; custom design capabilities; accessibility with low MOQs; and competitive pricing”.
What could possibly go wrong? Needless to say, EVERYTHING. Not least that Shenzhen Qian Shezhang Apparel Co Ltd turned out to be rubbish.
So, dear readers let me reveal my latest get-quick-rich-brand-extension-scheme, The Foxy Idol Souvenir Collection, in partnership with Baifeng Technology.
Yep, just this week I got a very enthusiastic email from someone called baifeng01, which reads: “I have reviewed the product information on your company’s website and found that our factory’s production process is a perfect match. We are very confident in cooperating with your company, and we are 100% confident in providing excellent service to your company.
“We are a high-quality handicraft ODM OEM manufacturing company in China, specialising in holiday gifts, collectibles, souvenirs, home decor toys, handicrafts, home products, and ceramic products as a one-stop supplier.
“Our company is an established manufacturer with over 20 years of experience, and we have comprehensive development, production, and logistics capabilities. We hope to have the opportunity to cooperate with your esteemed company. Thank you. If you are still interested, I have a solution that addresses the issues of product update efficiency, quality, delivery time accuracy, and competitive pricing and I look forward to your reply.”
Now we’re talking. Souvenir Mugs, Keyrings, Ceramic Dolls and Gilded Plates featuring my not inconsiderable assets just in time for the Christmas rush? If PornHub can rake it in with just a bloody logo, imagine how much I could make with my very own X-rated collection?
Follow Foxy on X and Instagram if you must, but don’t get too excited as I’m never there
