Is it just me or has this been the longest week ever? I was just getting used to the part-time world when suddenly we had to return to a WHOLE FIVE DAYS. Roll on May, I say, not only are we getting three Bank Holidays but it is Masturbation Month, too.
Talking of which, my inbox has been bulging this week with updates from “the only data-driven awards in town”. Yes, the Fifth Annual Pornhub Awards were held last night, and hosted by someone called Mr Banana.
Now, I am sure you will believe me when I say the awards categories were slightly more eye-popping than “Best Use of Direct Mail Large Volume” or “Best Use of Door-to-Door Leaflet”. In fact, they are far too rude even for me to publish.
Still, as you may recall, they did promise this year’s headliner was going to be “one of the world’s biggest pop acts” and I can exclusively reveal who it is after this short quiz:
So, was it Beyoncé? Don’t be crazy in love readers, she only performs for the son of Colonel Gaddafi or trousers $24m for a hotel opening in Dubai.
How about Mariah Carey, the Black Eyed Peas, Sean Paul, Enrique Iglesias or David Guetta? Nah, they only play in Saudi Arabia darlings.
Nope this year’s headliner was none other than the three-time Grammy-Award winning DJ and producer, Thomas Wesley Pentz, known professionally as, er, Diplo. What do you mean you’ve never heard of him?
Why, he is the co-creator and lead member of the electronic dancehall music project Major Lazer, a member of the supergroup LSD, and a member of electronic duo Jack Ü with producer and DJ Skrillex. (Nope me neither.)
Diplo enthused: “The Pornhub Awards are all about individuality, creativity and freedom – three things I think we can all agree are important to celebrate. It’s an honour to be asked to play for one of my most fun crowds ever.”
Anyway, far more interesting is the fact that the recipient of this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award was the “legendary adult actress, writer, and director” Stormy Daniels.
Yep, the woman who will hopefully finally nail Donald Trump for good has been honoured by the Pornhub Awards for her many contributions, “which have helped shape American history”.
And, surely, with all that “creative” experience and those large assets, Stormy’s next stop has simply got to be the Campaign Big Awards?
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