Jilted Busty sharpens up her talons

Well, would you Adam and Eve it? It turns out my plastic surgeon fella – Mr Perfect – is anything but after he unceremoniously dumped me this week for one of the very people I managed to secure a group discount rate for in this industry?
Of course, as I was sworn to secrecy I can’t possibly name the offending slut but suffice to say, this year’s DMA Awards could turn out to be an interesting occasion if I clap my eyes on the bitch.
It will make that bust-up at the DM awards ceremony in Dublin a few years back – when some bloke from RMG Target punched one of the judges five times in the face for not giving his agency an award – look like a minor scrap.
When I get my talons into her, she will be wishing she’d paid top dollar for her new 36DDs and major liposuction; and she’ll certainly be needing some reconstruction work to boot.
Things were going so well, too, until she showed old Perfect a couple of my columns slagging off his tiny member and explaining that, unlike a dog, he “was only for Christmas”. I wouldn’t have minded but he didn’t even have the balls (that’s another area that could do with enhancement) to call me – simply sending me a “you’re dumped” text.
It doesn’t make it much easier watching the Christmas TV campaigns on the telly either. Apparently that John Lewis “Animals of Farthing Wood” rip-off ad has even got grown men blubbing, including Chris Martin.
No, not the lead singer of Coldplay (although last time I saw him, it looked like he’d eaten his namesake and Gwyneth Paltrow for breakfast). He’s that other bloke who now plies his creative trade down at the WWAV Retirement Home aka Watson Philips Norman. For such a burly figure, I was a little surprised to see he’d posted on Facebook that he’d shed a “man tear”, adding that “I must be getting old”. To be fair, he’s in the right place at least…
Anyway, one minute I was looking forward to the festive season surrounded by Versace, Alexander McQueen, Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent, the next I’m wandering around Primark looking for bargains. I tell you, it’s a cruel world at times.
Still, as they say, out of adversity comes opportunity, so the good news for the rest of you is that I’m now back on the market again. C’mon guys anyone fancy a Busty Christmas Bonus?

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